


Richie Tozier Being Bullied By His Friends For * Minutes Straight

by Rosalee_Kenneth



Series: The Losers Being Dumbasses for * Fics Straight [1]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Comedian Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, F/M, Famous Beverly Marsh, Famous Bill Denbrough, Famous Richie Tozier, Fluff, Gay Richie Tozier, Interviews, M/M, Stan Is Having A Field Day, Stanley Uris Lives, everyone is fed up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:35:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22381918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosalee_Kenneth/pseuds/Rosalee_Kenneth
Summary: Stan:I’m just saying that you were a pale, skinny, horribly dressed little boy.Mike:Who was also deeply closeted.Bill:And in love in with his best friend.Richie:Forget that shit. Stan, my clothing choices as a kid were impeccable.
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: The Losers Being Dumbasses for * Fics Straight [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1611139
Comments: 22
Kudos: 568





	Richie Tozier Being Bullied By His Friends For * Minutes Straight

**Author's Note:**

> this is shit but I love the concept of it

**Richie Tozier Being Bullied By His Friends For * Minutes Straight**

**3.7 M views**

[Beverly and Richie on The Late Late Show with James Cordon playing Spill Your Guts or Fill Your Guts]

 **James:** [reading from his card] Richie, what is most awkward encounter you’ve ever had?

[Richie immediately turns bright red while Beverly laughs manically]

 **James:** [to Beverly] I take it you know it?

 **Beverly:** [still laughing] I experienced it full-on.

 **Richie:** No, Bev…

 **Beverly:** Can I please answer this?

 **Richie:** That’s not how the game works!

 **Beverly:** Fine!

[Beverly grabs the shot of bird’s saliva in front her and downs in one swift gulp]

 **Beverly:** [without any look of disgust on her face] Richie was walking down the street and bumped into a woman. To stop himself from falling down he tried to grab onto her shoulder’s, but the lady turned around at the wrong time and Richie ended up grabbing both of her boobs. He hid in a bush for a solid hour after that.

[Richie hides his face in his hands while the entire audience laughs]

 **Beverly:** But the thing was the lady was a really big fan of him and was going to forgive him, but he just bolted. She gave me some gum.

 **Richie:** This is cheating! She can’t do that! I call bullshit!

 **James:** She drank the bird’s saliva so technically its ok.

 **Richie:** You suck, Marsh.

 **Beverly:** Worth it.

***

[Richie’s Instagram Livestream of him and the Losers hanging out]

 **Richie:** [mouth full of fried rice] amberkelp411 asks ‘what’s your number one personality trait in your opinion’? My outstanding humor, of course.

[Stan comes into frame with a box of noodles in his hand]

 **Stan:** Actually, the correct answer is nothing. Richie has zero redeeming personality traits.

 **Richie:** Staniel’s joking. He loves my comedy.

 **Stan:** That’s a stretch.

 **Richie:** Fine, what do you think is my number one personality trait? And you can’t say nothing, asshole.

 **Stan:** [thinking]

 **Richie:** …

 **Stan:** [thinking]

 **Richie:** …

 **Stan:** [opens his mouth then closes it]

 **Richie:** It can’t be that hard!

 **Stan:** You’re kinda like the human version of crumbs in the bed.

 **Richie:** That’s not what I was asking!

 **Stan:** I know, but I just thought of it and I had to say it.

***

**Here Are Some Instances on Twitter**

> **Beverly Marsh** **✔** **@bevvyboop**
> 
> I think my sleep paralysis demon is that one time I walked in on @trashmouthtozier crying to The Breakfast Club with a ladle full of ice cream in his hand and a wrinkled photo of Anthony Michael Hall in another

> **Richie Tozier** **✔** **@trashmouthtozier**
> 
> _replying to @bevvyboop_
> 
> I detest this ever happening

> **Stan Uris @stanthemanuris**
> 
> _replying to @bevvyboop @trashmouthtozier_
> 
> Maybe the real question is why was the photo of Anthony Michael Hall so wrinkled in the first place?

> **Eddie Kaspbrak @dontcallme_eds**
> 
> _replying to @bevvyboop @trashmouthtozier @stanthemanuris_
> 
> He’s always had a thing for twinks

> **Beverly Marsh** **✔** **@bevvyboop**
> 
> _Replying to @dontcallme_eds_
> 
> This is the wildest tweet in Twitter history

\---

> **Stan Uris @stanthemanuris**
> 
> To all of you to look up to @trashmouthtozier I just want to let you know that man once ate half a bar of soap willingly. He like took a bite (which is questionable to begin with) and somehow convinced himself it was a good idea to continue eating it afterwards

> **Mike Hanlon @mikehanlon**
> 
> _replying to @stanthemanuris_
> 
> Wasn’t that also the night where he ended up vomiting in @billiamdenbrough’s garden?

> **Beverly Marsh** **✔** **@bevvyboop**
> 
> _replying to @stanthemanuris @mikehanlon_
> 
> No, Mike, that was the night where he decided it would be wise to mix half a bottle of vodka and chocolate milk together

> **Ben Hanscom @benthebuilder**
> 
> _replying to @stanthemanuris @mikehanlon @bevvyboop_
> 
> He never threw up the soap, he just kept hiccupping which caused bubbles to appear out of his mouth

> **Eddie Kaspbrak @dontcallme_eds**
> 
> _replying to @stanthemanuris @mikehanlon @bevvyboop @benthebuilder_
> 
> How the fuck has that man managed to stay alive for this long?

> **Richie Tozier** **✔** **@trashmouthtozier**
> 
> _replying to @stanthemanuris @mikehanlon @bevvyboop @benthebuilder @dontcallme_eds_
> 
> I’m blocking and reporting all of you for cyberbullying

\---

> **Eddie Kaspbark @dontcallme_eds**
> 
> So, me and @trashmouthtozier were shopping and I turned my back and he was gone. You might be asking where he was, well I found him with his back turned to a mannequin and having a dirty conversation with it before realizing I wasn’t the one behind him

> **Beverly Marsh** **✔** **@bevvyboop**
> 
> _replying to @dontcallme_eds_
> 
> What was he saying to the mannequin?

> **Eddie Kaspbark @dontcallme_eds**
> 
> _replying to @dontcallme_eds @bevvyboop_
> 
> I can’t say those things or I’ll be banned from Twitter

***

[Richie, Stan, Mike, and Bill talking on Bill’s podcast ‘Derry: A True Crime Podcast’]

 **Mike:** …but we were like kids at this time, so were basically unqualified idiots trying to solve a crime.

 **Richie:** But we did solve it so the haters can suck it.

 **Bill:** I’m honestly surprised we did. We were messes as children.

 **Stan:** Some of us more than others… [Stan side-eyes Richie]

 **Richie:** Excuse me, Staniel?

 **Stan:** I’m just saying that you were a pale, skinny, horribly dressed little boy.

 **Mike:** Who was also deeply closeted.

 **Bill:** And in love in with his best friend.

 **Richie:** Forget that shit. Stan, my clothing choices as a kid were impeccable.

 **Stan:** I can see you still believe that because your fashion has not evolved in the slightest over 27 years.

 **Bill:** Let’s go to a break…

***

[Beverly’s Instagram Livestream of her and Richie painting each other’s nails while the rest of the Losers eat spaghetti]

 **Beverly:** [checks her screen briefly as Richie’s paints her nails] Some asked if we were dating.

 **Richie:** [laughs] Yes, we very much are.

 **Beverly:** We are so madly in love.

 **Richie:** We kiss and hold hands.

 **Beverly:** And we have sex every Tuesday and Sunday night.

[Mike, Ben, Stan, Eddie, and Bill all look at their dumbass friends]

 **Richie:** Why only Tuesday and Sunday?

 **Beverly:** Those are the only days I let you touch me.

[Mike, Stan, Eddie, and Bill all stare at Ben for some clarification]

 **Ben:** Don’t look at me!

 **Stan:** [to Beverly’s viewers] The truth is Richie is a raging homosexual. His boyfriend should know.

 **Eddie:** Trust me, I do.

 **Richie:** Am I really that obvious of a gay?

 **Beverly:** [cracking up] Oh my god, you’ve been obvious since you were 13, sweetie.

 **Bill:** You would call Eddie ‘your love’ multiple times in one sentence.

 **Eddie:** And then you would proceed to kiss my cheek.

 **Beverly:** You yawned at the lesbian se—

 **Ben:** Let’s maybe not what say what he yawned at so we all can go back to work tomorrow.

 **Richie:** It wasn’t anything impressive.

**Bonus**

**Bev:** [blankly] Remember when I flashed you.

 **Stan:** Excuse me, what?

 **Richie:** What time?

 **Ben:** WHAT?

 **Beverly:** Um…the first.

 **Eddie:** What flashing?

 **Richie:** [not paying attention] Yeah, they were nice, but you know…

 **Beverly:** I know…

 **Bill:** I am so confused.

***

[Beverly Marsh Answers the Web’s Most Searched Questioned on WIRED]

[Beverly rips the scrap of the board to reveal ‘How does Beverly Marsh know Richie Tozier?’]

 **Beverly:** Well, we were friends since we were 13 and trust me—there’s not a worse time to know Richie then when he was 13.

 **Crew member:** [offstage] What do you mean?

 **Beverly:** He was the most obnoxious prick, still is now, but when he was kid it was like 100x worse. He would constantly speak in ridiculous accents, talk about how big his dick was, joke about having sex with Eddie’s, his current boyfriend, mom. But, ya know, despite all that he really was a stand-up guy. He saved my life. He did a sloppy-ass job, but sentiment’s nice.

***

[Bill on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon]

 **Jimmy:** So, my sources tell me you know famous comedian, Richie Tozier. Is that true?

 **Bill:** Fuck, it always comes back to him, doesn’t it?

 **Jimmy:** Sorry, does this happen a lot?

 **Bill:** You have no idea. This is all just stroking his ego, you know. He’s a slut for attention.

 **Jimmy:** [laughing] Oh, really?

 **Bill:** Yeah, man. I once saw him jerk off to his own comedy special on Netflix.

 **Jimmy:** Which is called ‘Not the Right Time for a Joke’ for those you who want to know.

 **Bill:** You saying that has just given his masturbation material for the next week or so.

***

[Richie’s Instagram Story]

[Richie is about to say something but is immediately hit in the face with a slice of ham]

 **A Voice that Sounds a Lot Like Stan:** FUCK YOU, TOZIER!

 **A Voice that Sounds a Lot Like Beverly:** YOUR COMEDY SPECIAL SUCKS!

 **A Voice that Sounds a Lot Like Eddie:** I FUCKED YOUR MOM!

***

[Beverly’s Instagram Story]

 **Beverly:** [offscreen] Oh my god, Is that Bill Hader?

[She zooms in on Richie who is on a sofa without his glasses on]

[Richie gives her the middle finger]

 **Beverly:** Bill, I’m getting you cancelled.

***

[Richie, Bill, Beverly, Mike, Stan, Ben, and Eddie at the movie premiere of ‘Sewers’ which is the movie adaptation of one of Bill’s books]

 **Interviewer:** Bill, as the author of the book ‘Sewers’, what can we guarantee from this movie?

 **Bill:** Um…the characters who I personally love because there is such depth and personality in every single one of them.

 **Stan:** [in the background] Oh, I like the nerdy, Jewish boy, Steve.

 **Beverly:** [in the background] Well, I personally like the feisty, female of the group, Bailey.

 **Eddie:** [in the background] Hm, I find myself relating a lot to the wimpy and heavily asthmatic character, Teddie.

 **Ben:** [in the background] Who can forget about Sven, the overweight kid who has a crush on Bailey.

 **Mike:** [in the background] You guys have it all wrong. Ike is definitely the best character because he’s loyal and into reading.

 **Richie:** [in all seriousness] You know all those characters are great, but you know who really gets on my nerves? That fucking Ronnie, he’s thinks he so cool just cause he’s got some jokes up his sleeves. Puh-lease, what a dick. And the surprise ending where he turns out to be gay, total overkill.

[All the Losers stare at Richie with a smirk on their faces]

 **Bill:** [shaking his head] You’re such an idiot…

**Thank You for Watching**

**Comments:**

**It’s A Reference:** Richie is so baby and it really shows

_2.1k likes_

**Mari_Epscott:** Sometimes I feel like Richie is a whole other breed of human…

_1.2k likes_

**Trash for Tozier:** He really does look like Bill Hader!

_657 likes_

**Boogara Bants:** Ok but can we like give Stan all the awards please

_913 likes_

**Stan’s Toaster:** All I wanna know is who threw the ham at Richie

_1.7k likes_

**It’s Your Mix Tape:** Bill looks like a little piece of his soul dies every time Richie gets dragged into the conversation

_345 likes_

**Rosa Jacobs:** the idea of Richie dirty talking to a mannequin the most hilarious thing to me

_146 likes_

**cool kids with asthma:** that fact that we don’t have a picture of Richie crying to The Breakfast Club is really disheartening

_502 likes_

**Author's Note:**

> Send me recommendations of what compilation you guys want next


End file.
